Fighting or Surrendering
I realize that I have not used this journal much to really talk about things that I'm feeling. This is primarily because I wanted to treat this as a method of storytelling rather than as an actual diary. At the same time, I can't help but feel that I should be putting some of the more robust emotions that I am experiencing down on paper, at the very least so that I can read it and try to make some sense out of it for myself. So here goes...
There was a time in my life where I felt everything on an exaggerated scale, where each emotion was amplified and rendered me incapable of reacting to things in an appropriate manner. Then I "grew up" and became more and more tempered, more mellow in the way that I dealt with my feelings. There were times recently when I've been criticized for being emotionless, which is a far cry from the over-sensitive reactionary that I had been when I was younger.
Sometimes, however, I will be floored by a wave of feeling and emotion, and at these moments there are no antidotes, and there is no part of me that is mellow. So the brain shoots out in 50 million directions and I am consumed by the very fact that I am consumed.
It is at these moments of complete honesty that the music I listen to inserts itself into my supernova of emotion and passion and becomes forever imprinted and identified with all the chaos. I know this does not happen just to me.
Here are lyrics to Dido's beautiful "White Flag", to be referenced later:
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
-----------------------------
Much of my life has been a series of delayed reactions. Most people think about the consequences and ramifications of their major decisions prior to making those choices; I plow ahead and am forced to look back at what I've left behind, somehow always with a tinge of copper-tasting regret. I left my home in San Francisco, both figuratively and literally, nearly 2 months ago, and while the time leading up to my departure was fraught with anxiety, excitement, and most of all, pain, I was always moving forward, always preparing myself for what was going to happen next. Why did I want so much more when I had so much already?
One long delayed reaction. I look back now and can't help but wonder if, like Dido, I will one day meet the past...and let it pass. "And all that was then, will be there still." I am paying a huge price for coming out here, because I know I may have left too much mess and destruction to go back again.
"And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense"
*I love using my own words, but sometimes, someone can do it so much better*
I've been too greedy. I want it all and so much more. And here I stand, looking at the price I have to pay for wanting so much, and more and more it looks like I have to lose so much instead. Maybe that's why it's so hard to say goodbye, to let go, because it means that I really have lost it, and there's no going back. Whether I fight or put up the White Flag and surrender; I'm going down with this ship anyway.
I hope I can be forgiven for everything, and I hope that my happiness and I can be together once again.
There was a time in my life where I felt everything on an exaggerated scale, where each emotion was amplified and rendered me incapable of reacting to things in an appropriate manner. Then I "grew up" and became more and more tempered, more mellow in the way that I dealt with my feelings. There were times recently when I've been criticized for being emotionless, which is a far cry from the over-sensitive reactionary that I had been when I was younger.
Sometimes, however, I will be floored by a wave of feeling and emotion, and at these moments there are no antidotes, and there is no part of me that is mellow. So the brain shoots out in 50 million directions and I am consumed by the very fact that I am consumed.
It is at these moments of complete honesty that the music I listen to inserts itself into my supernova of emotion and passion and becomes forever imprinted and identified with all the chaos. I know this does not happen just to me.
Here are lyrics to Dido's beautiful "White Flag", to be referenced later:
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
I'll tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
Well I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
-----------------------------
Much of my life has been a series of delayed reactions. Most people think about the consequences and ramifications of their major decisions prior to making those choices; I plow ahead and am forced to look back at what I've left behind, somehow always with a tinge of copper-tasting regret. I left my home in San Francisco, both figuratively and literally, nearly 2 months ago, and while the time leading up to my departure was fraught with anxiety, excitement, and most of all, pain, I was always moving forward, always preparing myself for what was going to happen next. Why did I want so much more when I had so much already?
One long delayed reaction. I look back now and can't help but wonder if, like Dido, I will one day meet the past...and let it pass. "And all that was then, will be there still." I am paying a huge price for coming out here, because I know I may have left too much mess and destruction to go back again.
"And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense"
*I love using my own words, but sometimes, someone can do it so much better*
I've been too greedy. I want it all and so much more. And here I stand, looking at the price I have to pay for wanting so much, and more and more it looks like I have to lose so much instead. Maybe that's why it's so hard to say goodbye, to let go, because it means that I really have lost it, and there's no going back. Whether I fight or put up the White Flag and surrender; I'm going down with this ship anyway.
I hope I can be forgiven for everything, and I hope that my happiness and I can be together once again.
posted by sushipanda at 7:10 AM
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