Studying for the LSUCKS
As some of you know, I've now completely diverged from my original intention of joining the cast of "Riverdance" and am now focused on getting into law school by next fall. Given my tardy (some would say re-tardy) decision to alter my life-path, these first few months in Shanghai have turned out to be quite the thrill-ride. It's the kind of excitement that I used to feel back in Berkeley scrubbing Roger's toilet with my toothbrush because I forgot to fold his socks in the way that he wanted them, all balled up with the Victoria's Secret logo on the outside.
But I digress. With all these letters of recommendations to get together, transcripts to order, and hundreds upon hundreds of LSAT problems to study, my mind is turning into the mush requisite for proper and unhindered inculcation into the homogenous world of soul-sucking attorney-hood. Oh great and powerful CA State Bar, please bathe me in the warm waters of your undying cynicism!
Shit, I digressed again.
Anyway, I guess I'm feeling particularly despondent right now. Let me explain. I signed up for one of those Princeton Review online LSAT courses. Trust me, I'd rather have spent the $500 towards something infinitely more entertaining, such as liposuction. Anyway, this course is full of annoying little Flash animation, irritating graphics, and obnoxious and cheesy voice-overs that are supposed to emulate the in-class experience one gets from being physically present at Princeton Review's famously annoying, irritating, obnoxious and cheesy review courses. Each of these online "lectures" are intermittently injected with practice multiple choice problems...you know, for practice. If you pick the wrong answer, the purveyors of the online course try to shame you by transmitting a huge groan from your computer. Concomitantly, each correct answer is greeted with a wholesome digital cheer that I guess is supposed to sound like you just hit a home run at Yankee Stadium or something.
Well, the point of expressing all of this to you, dear reader, is that despite initially being irked by these little bells and whistles, I have now reached a point where the entire hull of my self-esteem now rests on these little aural "gold stars." I look to the cheers to validate my existence, to make me feel like I matter to this world. I smile when I get the answer right and "they" cheer for me; I weep and pound the desk with my fists when "they" groan. At night, I keep hitting "refresh" and let the cheers lull me to sleep, always with an elephant-sized smile on my face. One time last week, I clicked on the right answer and the window popped up that said "Bingo! Great Job!" But alas, no cheer followed. I was devastated. I frantically refreshed the window until it finally came, and THUS SPOKE ZARATHUSTRA! I collapsed onto the floor in a pile of steaming and sticky white relief, and thanked the heavens above for allowing me to continue breathing, living, and damn it, just testing!
I need some help, and soon. I need to get away from these damn prep books that either make a religion out of logical reasoning (a la the "Logic Games Bible") or make it seem like a team sport at which YOU (indirectly meaning "I") can be the star athlete (strong and masculine words like "PowerScore" and "TestMasters"). I need to breathe fresh air again, I need to stop thinking in terms of analytical logic (i.e. Eric --> blogger --> loser, therefore Eric --> loser) and return to being irrational (any other Detroit Lions fans out there?). I want to be like George W. Bush and claim that cutting down forests is the best way to prevent forest fires. I want to be calmed by the tropical waters of accepting mediocrity, rather than be chilled by the cold harsh winds of pretending I'm not mediocre. It's 2:30 AM and I've spent 5 hours studying, what I really need is some sleep!
I hope that one day, not so far down my life path, there will be that one shining moment where I run out to people cheering for me and have it not come from my stupid Princeton Review online course. I know that day will come soon. I will stand there and soak it all in...right up to the point where they start throwing garbage at me for running out into Pacbell dressed like Britney in "Hit Me Baby One More Time." No, wait, it'll be more like "Oops I did it Again" with that killer red body suit. And you, folks, will be able to say to those next to you, "Eric --> LSAT --> institutionalized." And though shalt be proud.
HeyJude -- Stream of Consciousness, Visually Compelling
But I digress. With all these letters of recommendations to get together, transcripts to order, and hundreds upon hundreds of LSAT problems to study, my mind is turning into the mush requisite for proper and unhindered inculcation into the homogenous world of soul-sucking attorney-hood. Oh great and powerful CA State Bar, please bathe me in the warm waters of your undying cynicism!
Shit, I digressed again.
Anyway, I guess I'm feeling particularly despondent right now. Let me explain. I signed up for one of those Princeton Review online LSAT courses. Trust me, I'd rather have spent the $500 towards something infinitely more entertaining, such as liposuction. Anyway, this course is full of annoying little Flash animation, irritating graphics, and obnoxious and cheesy voice-overs that are supposed to emulate the in-class experience one gets from being physically present at Princeton Review's famously annoying, irritating, obnoxious and cheesy review courses. Each of these online "lectures" are intermittently injected with practice multiple choice problems...you know, for practice. If you pick the wrong answer, the purveyors of the online course try to shame you by transmitting a huge groan from your computer. Concomitantly, each correct answer is greeted with a wholesome digital cheer that I guess is supposed to sound like you just hit a home run at Yankee Stadium or something.
Well, the point of expressing all of this to you, dear reader, is that despite initially being irked by these little bells and whistles, I have now reached a point where the entire hull of my self-esteem now rests on these little aural "gold stars." I look to the cheers to validate my existence, to make me feel like I matter to this world. I smile when I get the answer right and "they" cheer for me; I weep and pound the desk with my fists when "they" groan. At night, I keep hitting "refresh" and let the cheers lull me to sleep, always with an elephant-sized smile on my face. One time last week, I clicked on the right answer and the window popped up that said "Bingo! Great Job!" But alas, no cheer followed. I was devastated. I frantically refreshed the window until it finally came, and THUS SPOKE ZARATHUSTRA! I collapsed onto the floor in a pile of steaming and sticky white relief, and thanked the heavens above for allowing me to continue breathing, living, and damn it, just testing!
I need some help, and soon. I need to get away from these damn prep books that either make a religion out of logical reasoning (a la the "Logic Games Bible") or make it seem like a team sport at which YOU (indirectly meaning "I") can be the star athlete (strong and masculine words like "PowerScore" and "TestMasters"). I need to breathe fresh air again, I need to stop thinking in terms of analytical logic (i.e. Eric --> blogger --> loser, therefore Eric --> loser) and return to being irrational (any other Detroit Lions fans out there?). I want to be like George W. Bush and claim that cutting down forests is the best way to prevent forest fires. I want to be calmed by the tropical waters of accepting mediocrity, rather than be chilled by the cold harsh winds of pretending I'm not mediocre. It's 2:30 AM and I've spent 5 hours studying, what I really need is some sleep!
I hope that one day, not so far down my life path, there will be that one shining moment where I run out to people cheering for me and have it not come from my stupid Princeton Review online course. I know that day will come soon. I will stand there and soak it all in...right up to the point where they start throwing garbage at me for running out into Pacbell dressed like Britney in "Hit Me Baby One More Time." No, wait, it'll be more like "Oops I did it Again" with that killer red body suit. And you, folks, will be able to say to those next to you, "Eric --> LSAT --> institutionalized." And though shalt be proud.
HeyJude -- Stream of Consciousness, Visually Compelling
posted by sushipanda at 5:53 PM
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